My Grandma's Recipe

I’m neither a Dooney or a Sisiyemmie and I generally do not love to cook even though I have always had to; mostly out of a sense of responsibility as the first child in a large family or as a wife and mom. In any case, for whatever it’s worth, I can cook! Shout out to all those that say that my husband is a better cook. LOL!

While, Sisiyemmie and Dooney are my favourite food bloggers, my cooking style is largely influenced by my maternal grandmother. I did not realize how much influence she had on me until I became a mom. She passed exactly 12 years ago. Yet, in the past one year I have missed her more than ever before. sometimes I just wish she was here… Here to help me… to advise me…and most especially to see how far I have come. I feel like she will be so proud. It’s true that you don’t know the value of what you have until you lose it…. My people, let’s enjoy anything we have now oh…

So, Mama the Mama, as we fondly called her, was a strong, caring and vibrant grandma. She was always full of life and energy. She helped her only daughter (my mom) take care of her family in any and every way she could. she was our cook, cleaner, laundryman, u name it! She had a great sense of humour and yet she was principled and firm! She was about 76 years old when she died and up till a few months before she took ill and passed, she still always came to our house to clean and hand-wash every available laundry! Telling her not to do it was synonymous to a heart break for her. If she didn’t find clothes to wash, she’ll wash all the bed-sheets, blinds and curtains! Till date, I miss my grandma every time I see my dirty curtains…

This piece is essentially about some lessons I learnt from my grandma so let’s delve right into it:

·         Time over Toys: Mama’s most popular phrase to my parents was: Ra Ra Ra, Ra, Buy, Buy, Buy, Buy, Se yen lokan! My dad worked in the bank and my mom had moved to Abuja to work so spending time with my parents was a fantasy. As if to make up for the time, my parents got us toys or whatever presents we requested especially to reward good behaviour or grades and when mama sees our presents, she will always shout 'rararara'! Then, to us, it was like; 'why is this woman such a kill-joy! Why wouldn’t she want our parents to buy us things we like! But now, I look back and know for sure that all she meant was: mehn, these kids need you more than all these. … I have learnt therefore that the time you spend with your kids even though unappreciated is worth more than any thing else money can buy. Kids grow so fast and before you know it, they don’t need you around anymore!

·         KARAMASIKI:  I think this word is the deepest Yoruba word I know. My grandma is not Yoruba but she speaks Yoruba fluently. I have heard her use the word a gazillion times. It’s a word she couldn’t translate to English but I found the meaning in Mama’s attitude to her grand-kids. From Mama, I  found the word karamasiki to mean a show of  deep, all round care or concern for one’s children. Even as an adult,  Mama was interested in my studies, my relationships, my health….Hmm…Mama over-karamasiki….and honestly I pray not to over -do it like Mama…one time it appeared I was  beginning to cross the line from karamasiki to over-karamasiki and a timely and  simple statement by my Children’s first teacher, Mrs Ayoola, put me in check!  she said and I quote: ‘Mummy, Let go and Let God! And since then, for everytime I begin to fret over the care of my children, I hear those words and I calm down. Indeed, our children belong to God, we should learn to let HIM takeover…

·         Frugal yet Healthy meals:  Mama taught me that you need not rob a bank to feed growing children. She’ll always say to my mom: ‘Mary, ounje omode o need gbogbo eleyi’ i.e feeding children does not require this much. While my mom likes to cook with a mix of meat parts(orisirisi) and condiments and then give us little so we don’t waste it, mama will cook with less and make you eat a lot more. In retrospect grandma’s food is almost always better and healthier! I smell agbarobobo with dry fish as I type i.e  cornflour soup with bitterleaf that only mama can cook perfectly…

Today, all thanks to mama, I can cook a decent meal for my family with minimum resources and anytime my resources are limited, I cook with a knowing that mama, if she could look into my pot, will give me a thumbs up.

·         Owo leyan fin tunkan se:  simply put, this means, Use your hands! My grandma had magical fingers, No matter how dirty an item is, no matter the stains, if mama’s hand touches it, it will become sparkling clean! So much so that I hide my priced jeans or dresses away from her to prevent her from over-washing them. Interestingly, she never really needed a tile cleaner or any expensive soap or chemicals to do any cleaning. And when you ask her, ‘Mama ki lefi fo? She will say owo leyan fin tun kan se which literally means:  It is your hands that you use to fix things. Today, when I am tempted to leave a thing dirty because I have run out of my favorite brand of soap or chemicals, I hear Mama’s voice telling me to use my hands and pronto I get the job done!

·         Never Visit Empty: It was almost a taboo for Mama to go visit anyone without taking something to give to her host. These days, people calculate the cost of commuting to visit the host and consider it a worthy sacrifice. But my grandma believed in giving no matter how small. Mama, won’t come to our house, which was her second home without something! From Ajegunle Bread to tangerines, KuliKuli, Chinchin, not to talk of all her special condiments to cook soup and make agbo.  Thanks to mama, I feel awkward whenever I have to visit anyone especially my niece and nephews without any goodies. Though I want my nieces and nephews to love me for me and not the gifts I bring, I will not slack in showing all my children, in any way possible, that it’s better to be a giver than a receiver!

·         Don’t die intestate! Mama had no formal education, yet she was a very wise and intelligent woman. She saved my mom the hassle of a traditional burial ceremony by including her burial arrangements in her will. She could neither read nor write but she had someone write for her as she dictated her words. We found that she reviewed her wills intermittently from the dates on them. They were handwritten on old papers and she had them kept safely in her room. Thank God my mom found them! Mama didn’t have much, yet the little she had, she distributed in her will. If mama can make such arrangements, can someone tell me why wealthy educated people die intestate and cause trouble for those they leave behind?

·         Owuro Lojo! I have typed over 500 words already so I have to stop here! But not without an interpretation at least. Owuro lo’jo simply means Morning time is the best time! And yes, Mama was a morning person, you can’t catch her in bed by 7am. As I type, it’s almost impossible to see my toddlers in bed by 7am. Hopefully, when they became teenagers, there won’t be need for too much talk on the importance of rising early to do the needful.  Talo ma fi jo!

In retrospect, I can say that my grandmother taught me so much more than words will permit. I am grateful my kids have their grandparents and I am sure they are taking learnings already.

Mama the Mama! It’s exactly twelve years you departed this planet…  Oma Ebije, Abiamo toto! Sun re oh! A o pade leti odo…

The Last Rule of Happiness

When I was about 16, I read a piece that highlighted the 5 rules of happiness and  the rule that resonated the most in my mind was the last rule which is "Expect Less".

It became a lodestar for me and I wrote it down in every new journal. This guiding principle of mine has indeed structured my thought pattern as it pertains  to  almost all life issues; So much so that  when a person complains of another person or thing, my response is almost always, "What did you expect" or 'it is expected'...

Guess what happened to Mrs Expectation Manager recently? Hmmm. Pekele pekele arugbo jegbese tani o San? Sorry  I cant interpretre that(smiles) Just follow my story....

It happened in the beautiful month of September, the year of our 7th Anniversary.  Le Hubs was going to be out of town on the precise anniversary date, so I gave him his anniversary gift early. And trust me, his reaction was priceless! I didn't need a soothsayer to tell me how much he loved and appreciated the gifts. 

For me, receiving gifts is certainly not my primary love language and I usually don't expect gifts. (My people will say it's difficult to buy me a gift)But this time, with the way Le Hubs was dotting over the gifts he received, I began to expect mine...innocent remarks like, "waoh, this bag is beautiful" or "babe where's your ring or where's your black shoe", suddenly meant more to me because I considered everything he mentioned, a potential gift. 

In fact, the mention of  "ring" made me go the extra mile to  fix my nails in anticipation. I had not fixed my nails in four years but because he mentioned "ring" at that time, I fixed my nails in anticipation of the grand proposal I never had  prior to marriage. Hehehe! Imagine a woman that has been married for 5years expecting a grand social media-type proposal! Lol! Such is the power of expectation..

Interestingly, his trip was cancelled and he was going to be around on the anniversary date. However,he seemed to continually disapprove my plan for the great Saturday E.g. I ask, honey can we go to the beach on Saturday, he says Nope, Sunday is better....and many more negative responses as it related to that Saturday. So, I convinced myself that it was because he had a surprise for me..maybe the grand proposal.. Tell me ...why I no go fix nails? 

But lo and behold,  on that great Saturday, Le Hubs sees my wassap status update and with a tint of sarcasm, says: "Oh! Its Today! Happy Anniversary oh!...

Kai! Fury welled up within me but I kept my cool...in the hope that his remark was just a joke.....Alas, it was no joke! My precious husband, who is usually very good with dates, did not even remember the day, talkless of giving a gift!

That day, I literally understood the meaning of "expectation cut short"! Chai! My people, your expectation shall not be cut short!

I can't put together in words, how much I have seen and know that  Expectation begats Entitlement, Entitlement begats Greediness and Greediness begats Wickedness! 

Unmet expectations is the root cause of  marital problems, sibling rivalry and most relationship issues.

I charge you therefore dear brethren, manage your expectation with due diligence...You owe the world many things but NO ONE owes you anything...

Of a truth, we sometimes have legitimate expectations and its OK to so have, but, I  think its healthier to Expect Less for lofty expectations lead to lofty disappointments...

Hitherto, Cheers to met expectations!




PS: Le Hubs made up for his transgression in many ways than one. Of a truth, I'm a handful, yet, he  is to me, the best husband in the whole Wide World.

Sickle Cell Retinopathy: #Memoirs of a Warrior#

My ordeal with Sickle Cell Retinopathy was a frightening one. I had gotten used to the occasional bouts of pain in my joints. And  Whether it was mild or severe,my mantra for each crisis was and remains : "This too shall soon pass".

Many doctors considered me an interesting patient because I'm often vivacious,  loquacious and full of an infectious positive vibe that the pain would go away sooner than later . But this time it was different...

It started one Friday in the office when I felt like something got into my eyes. I went to the bathroom to wash the affected eye in a bid to get out the dirt but without any luck. I sought the help of a colleague  to look into my eye and she affirmed that there was nothing in it. 

An hour later, I discovered that I could barely see with the affected eye and I started to panic...By the next morning, the eye was inflamed and I looked like a battered woman. 

I ran off to the closest eye hospital where I was diagnosed with uvieties but the young doctor who appeared a tad confused, together with some medication gave me an appointment to see his boss, the Consultant opthatmologist, on the Tuesday that followed.

By the appointed Tuesday, the vision in both eyes had worsened and I started to really feel sick in my entire body... I was admmitted in the hospital for a Visoclusive Crisis but this time it didn't feel like it will pass soon, it felt like paralysis; the fear of completely losing my sight paralysed my mind. 

Meanwhile, We (My dad and husband) visited the consultant as required and a proper diagnosis was given...

After a couple of tests, an urgent vitrectomy in d left eye and a laser in the right was necessary. I was referred to the best eye clinic were the procedures could be done(Eye Foundation Ikeja) yet the doctors would not guarantee that my vision will be restored. I was  scared to death...

The multitude of factors responsible for the fear cannot be put in words but in the midst of the storm, I did not loose my faith. 

I'm thankful for a faithfilled marriage to the most outstanding husband in the world, I'm thankful for amazing siblings, parents, friends, family and a good Church too..

The much needed support received from the aforelisted strengthened my faith and I began to feel better in my body.

My mantra,  This too shall soon pass came back to life as the vivacious Wunmi returned. I talked and laughed more and I looked even more closely at everyone, especially my children, just in case I was visually not going to  see them again, and in my closet I cried more.... It was a really scary time....very scary.

One month after a succesful sugery in the left eye. The same symptoms started in the right.  The Right eye had been Lasered, yet the  vision became really blurry. 

My first reaction was  "Oh  no, not again!" but I was not half as frightened as I was the first time, for, this time, I knew exactly what was going on and I knew what to do.

In the words of my doctor, Conservative Management of the eye started and is  still on going...

I have deliberately left out the medical  explanations but it is hoped that  every warrior reading this would get curious enough to read up on Sickle cell Retinopathy. Indeed, Knowledge is  Power.  

Most Importantly, ensure you have an eye examination as often as practicable and of course, Hydrate! Hydrate! Hydrate! The more water you drink the better for YOU.

Cheers!

Pity me Not.#Memoirs of a Warrior#

This piece is an outflow of an unending  discussion, one in which I may have been perceived as proud or ungrateful. But I am thankful for a diary wherein I can express myself without the fear of being judged. I'll try to make it short though, for YOUR sake. Yes, YOU.* smiles*

I have had a fair share of what I call surprise pity parties*¹ and truth be told, its exhausting!  I think occasional  pity parties can be lovely in a way. The attention, the show of love from friends and enemies alike could be really encouraging but as the frequency increases, the more u see, the more u hear, the more you feel the pity! 

There's a rush of emotions as I type and I don't know where to start from to make you understand my perspective...

Once, a colleague said to me: "you should consider yourself lucky that the owner of this company has a child with your condition such that the management of this  company can understand your pain..."

My response: "it's the more reason I want to leave..." I had just returned from a sick leave and I was giving  her reasons to resign and then she made that statement.

In my mind, I'm like really!! Like I'm  supposed to be happy and make it an excuse to lazy about or what? Though unintended, Her words hit me in the wrong place and I was all the more determined to leave.

The company had magnanimously granted me a second one-month sick leave in less than 10 Months and I was already getting pitiably popular for being off -work on grounds of ill-health which I didn't like.

The first surprise pity party in the company was lovely;  when I returned to work, I met a beautiful card signed by my colleagues on my table. The welcome-back made me feel like a celebrity and I enjoyed the accolades. 

The second was also acceptable but I wasn't gonna wait for a third one.  I was not willing to give people a chance to pity me perpetually. 

I have learnt to read between the lines of Love and Pity but the frequency of crisis especially in a  new environment makes the line so faint. Yet, I could see and in retrospect  see even more clearly  that there was more pity than love...

  

I'ld rather be loved and accepted because of my character and the quality of my work than be made pitiably popular by reason of a health condition. Alas, the later is usually the case.

Same was the case many years ago in my first secondary school. It was a small boarding house and I was the only sickle cell student in JSS1 so they took special care of me and guess what, I did not like it!

While my mates worked in the dormitory for instance, I worked in the convent, I didn't eat together with my mates, I ate on a special table with the dinning hall prefect. I watched my mates play with each other  but my own playmates were senior prefects! Perhaps some will enjoy it and consider it a privilege, not me mehn not me!

Thankfully, I wrote to my dad and told him I didn't like the school and my school was changed to a better one, with no segregation, less pity and since i was not labelled from the onset, true friendships evolved. Shout out to my Feggo*Friends!

Post Feggo, I had this boyfriend that stuck with me for about 8 years...he was really caring and we went  through many crisis periods together. If he were to be  judged by the love, care and attention displayed @ my crisis points, he would be rated highly. Yet, at the point I thought I could spend the rest of my life with him, He said and I quote,  "I cannot marry Wunmi  now, She's a Sickler, I'm just....."

Dear Warrior, don't get it twisted, Love tranceeds pity. Someone who hates your guts can rightfully and genuiely pity you. 

For the unmarried warrior, I'm sure that many of your relationships will begin with pity; but don't be content with that, be sure that genuine love subsists beyond your period of pain.

On the converse, for the relationships that do not begin with pity, be sure that sufficient compassion exists to withstand your period of pain.

Some, though medically compatible, will chicken out the moment they realize you are a warrior.  Please don't force it, Let them go! The one who is the one will have the right dose of compassion and love  needed for YOU!

• Gratefully, accept sympathy, pity, empathy Compassion, acts of kindness from all and Sundry  and move on, i repeat move on and dont enjoy it too much to dwell therein. 

Please do not be fooled by the paparazzi at any pity party especially in chossing your friends. Most often, TIME will reveal who your friends really are. So, happily live each day one day at a time, attempt everything  u want to do, know when to stop and when to continue and never stay disconnected from your source-God-From Him we came and to Him we shall return...

As I type, the bones in my fore-arms ache and I know its time to stop but hey! Pity me not! Not because its a bad thing to Pity but because I don't pity myself and  I'll rather you love up on me for who I am!

Cheers to Love , Life and other Mysteries!

*¹ Like Surprise Parties, a Surprise Pity Party is not set up by the celebrant but by others.

*² Feggo- Federal Government Girls College Oyo Nigeria.

* As I typed, I recalled an encounter with a warrior who didn't have friends or even enemies to show care or pity at all and I felt like deleting all I had typed.......I hope this piece does not discourage YOU from being Kind to Warriors.........May the flame of kindness and compassion be rekindled afresh. Amen!

.

#Crossing my Tees#

So, I took this job  a year ago. I had been a Stay at Home Mom for almost 4years before then and thus considered it OK to "start small" .

In the Spirit of starting small, I took the job and renumeration of a complete newbie and deliberately swept under the carpet the fact that I was technically 8 years Post Call and  37years of age. Thank God for a youthful look, I'ld pass for an under-27(Tongue in cheek) so I  purposed in my heart to act the part  I was designated for with utmost humility and subservience and to learn all I could as a Solicitor in the Coperate Circles since my prior Post- Call  experience was solely in Litigation . So how was my one year experience? 

Hmm...Within the first Six weeks, I cried quite a lot. First because leaving my three Tees especially my 18 month-old who had to start school was really heart-rendering. Both mother and son cried each morning as I left for work...

Secondly, my mode of daily commuting to work was like a whole new ball game..honestly can't explain this part...I just be like JJC all of a sudden. One day conductor ran off with my 200 naira change, another day my hair hung to the roof of danfo and countless other things that made me cry. 

Thirdly, my boss was a  choleric ,like me,and she made me cry a few times too. I really do salute myself for the self control and subservience I displayed all through. You see, My boss is 33 and we are literaly "peers" at the bar so u can imagine the will power it took to remain subservient... I however gave my self a deadline as I knew the subservience would not last too long...

Off the job, my boss and I became like sisters, she does have a heart of gold and I do not blame her for my feelings or sentiments, afterall, oun ko lo koba mi, yeah, its not her fault that I am a late bloomer na. Abi. My daily prayer became:omo mi kan kan o ni seru egbe lagbara Edumare...(elmm,that's yoruba and I don't know the best interpretation.lol.).

Aside the factors that occasionally made me cry, I had a beautiful time at work. I deliberately and painstakingly became friends with many and in retrospect, I must say the relationships that evolved is a major achievement for me. 

It's impossible for me to recount my last one year work experience without talking about my Health. In the words of my hematologist, "Madam, you have started developing Sickle Cell Complications and you have to be more deliberate about your health..."

Yeah that's the summary of it all, indications of these complications started with my eyes and then my hips and Lungs all within this one year, it became apparent that something had changed in one year, and all fingers pointed to the job, something about it was wearing me out and though I kind of think that it was all a coincidence and the complications could have arisen if I was at  home,the major issue for me was that my three Tees plus X* who are at the receiving end of these maladiies were really freaking out...

And so,I thought to myself : "assuming i'm gonna die of these complications soon, why don't I give this time to these three Tees of mine...and even  if i'm not gonna die soon, is it a bad idea to give them more of me now than later....isnt this the best time to be with my kids and create memories?

Is the Salary I was being paid worthy of the belittlement at work, or worth more than my health or time with my family? Or is the facade of being a working woman more important than my divine role of mothering my children. Is it a better decision to please my parents who want me to be independent or my outstanding husband who doesn't mind the dependency? Will my family get by without my income? 

The answers to these and many more questions made me take a decision and of course today I feel at peace knowing that if all I do on planet earth is to raise my children the best way I can and be the best wife I can be to my husband and in doing so, generally influence my world even without affluence, I would have by my own standard, done well ..

And yes, I said even without affluence but e no mean say I no like money oh. This money I go make am somehow....

So while we think of how to make this money, let me say this:the Employee-Labour Market is full of Sh*t especially for late bloomers, so if you are one, be ready to humbly eat plenty of it while you catch up... 

I have always loved the structure and stability that comes with being in paid employment and I still might consider it again subject to more informed and insightful terms which I have now gained, albeit, l now understand why many tow the entrepreneurial line and  honestly my phobia for the entrepreneurial fad has disappeared.

The past one year has given me the needed push to look inwards and honestly I am still looking and don't know how and when I will complete this inward looking process. I obviously can't articulate exactly what i'm gonna do, how I'm gonna do it or when I'm gonna do it but I do know that crossing my Tees is a safe place to start.

Being a home maker comes most natural to me and yeah though,according to my daughter, I can shout on top of my voice for the slightest of  childs play at home, there's no place I'll rather be..at least for now! 

Shout out to all the Stay at Home Moms out there. I joyfully welcome myself back to the fold. Cheers!

*The X refers to each person that constitute the formidable support system I am privileged to have. Words can't express my gratitude to each and every one of them....

I give all the glory to my creator, who I have tasted and known as Agbanilagbatan,the great deliverer, Baba to ju Baba lo, the greatest of Fathers and the lover of my soul,Ololufe Okan mi...Ka bi esi ohhhhhhh!!!!.