In the light of the Ese Walter
.v. COZA brouhaha, I have convinced myself that it is absolutely in place for
me, yes me, an unrepentant Christian female, to put my thoughts down. Perhaps,
this piece would help someone someday… I say this for two reasons: First
because I have since the Ese Saga, adopted the ‘No comment’ approach of
Cozaites, and second, because no one seems to address the major issue.
For some, the issue in the Ese .v.
Coza matter is the title called PASTOR! For others it is ABUSE (Whether sexual
or psychological), for some the issue is the CHURCH! And for some it’s just GIST.
I’ll leave the issue of ‘Pastor’ to the Pastors, The question of ‘Abuse’ to
psychologists, The ‘Church’ to God Almighty and the ‘Gist’ to bloggers and I’ll
go on to the crux of the matter which
Ese ought to have discussed via social media in a bid to help others. And yea
though I have my reservations on Ese’s matter, I salute her courage... In this
piece, I’ll try to do the one thing she failed to use social media for…help
others.
I won’t try to define what a wrong
relationship is because I believe its tad subjective. While some strongly
believe its okay to date a much older man, some think it’s totally wrong to
date a man old enough to be called ‘daddy’, for some, it’s okay to date a man separated from his wife, and for others
it’s a taboo. Whether its age, marital status, character, religion,
consanguinity or affinity, we all know when we are in a wrong relationship…we
just know in our inner minds and we know we need to get out…..
The lodestar to getting out is
boldness. And again I say boldness! I mean, you need guts; you sure need some
strong nerves to say it’s over and mean its over! You need loads of willpower
to move forward without looking back. You need boldness to care less whose ox is gored
and of course you need the boldness to ask God for his help. After all,
scriptures say we should come boldly to the throne of grace to get help in our
time of need1.
One of the questions a person
who wants out constantly asks is “How did I get myself into this?”Many times,
its starts with something seemingly little; a thought, a word, an innocent
visit, a little kiss or a random act of kindness and boom! You land yourself in
a quagmire! Scriptures tell us to Guard
our hearts with all diligence2… and also warns us to flee from every
appearance of evil3…If
only we would obey scriptures…
I’m constantly awed at the
progression of sin. First it’s a thought or let’s say an innocent visit, then a
thought, then some more thoughts, then a timely word, then some more words, a
kind deed, more thoughts and then the sheets….Hmm, scriptures say; Let he who
thinks he stands, take heed lest he fall4…I wouldn’t want to dwell
on the progression of sin here or tell you how you got yourself into it, I
write to tell you how to get out…
First, you need to realize you
want out! According to scriptures, what is stolen is sweet5. So the
first thing that happens almost immediately or after a momentary sadness is
that you begin to enjoy the relationship or at least something about the
relationship, maybe the sex, the attention, or money. Next, you begin to justify
the relationship. That naughty voice tells you that once you’ve had sex once, u
can as well continue, you convince yourself that 'he' loves you, that he is god-
sent, that you need him to go through school, to pay your bills etc. You must
realize that there’s absolutely no justification for a wrong relationship. The
only thing you need to justify is your way out!
Second, you must completely
disregard the feelings or sentiments of the other person. The usual thing for you is to start feeling
like you don’t want to hurt him, you don’t want to ruin his career or soil his
name. So you let him give you all the selfish reasons why you shouldn’t go or
why you should be patient and let things flow naturally…yimu. I tell thee, the sooner you disconnect
yourself from his sentiments, the closer you are to freedom.
Third, you must associate
yourself with people that hate the relationship. Where the affair is a secret
one, find someone or a group of persons good enough to pour your heart to; an
NGO, a mentor, a parent, a pastor or mature friend that you know is averse to
such relationship and make yourself accountable to such person(s). I must warn
that it is in your interest to relate with only persons of the same sex in this
regard…
Fourth, don’t just think about
getting out of the relationship, get out! I mean take active steps. If you are
living in his/her house, move out! If you’ve been doing anything for him or with
him, stop it!
Lastly, you must pray, bring
yourself to your knees, God honors godly desires; He hears and would surely
answer. You might feel like a wretch not worthy of His saving grace but trust
me, God loves wretches like you. He’ll pick you up; he’ll wash you clean and
give you profound peace.
In all of these, I know it’s not
easy to come out of a wrong relationship and I also know that you can if you
want to. Whether the relationship has lasted one week, two months or three
years, you need to get out and you sure can get out. Know that you’re not alone
in your shoes and you won’t be the first to grow
past those shoes…
Remember, the longer you stay in
a wrong relationship, the longer it takes to get a right one.
Best Wishes!
Omoaderoba.
1- Hebrews 4:16
2- Proverbs 4:23
3- I
Thesselonians5:22
4- I Corinthians
10:12
5- Proverbs 9: 17
